cracked egg

God?
i'm really broken now.
can you please zip me back up like that egg?
thanks(:
♥me, rachel

my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

it's so easy to just end it all.
the pain, the lies.
the loneliness.
the hurt when you know someone's talking bad about you and you're right next to her.
the feeling that you're stupid.
the stress.
the regret when you realise that you could have changed things if you'd figured it out earlier.
the feeling when you know that you could have prevented that precious, precious hamster from dying.
you can just reach for that knife lying on the kitchen counter.
you can just take the lift to the top floor of your apartment block and climb over the railing.
you can just walk to the edge of the breakwater on a beach and stare into the murky depths of the ocean.
you can just go to the MRT platform and look down at those metal tracks and step off when the train's pulling in.
it would be so easy,
but i wouldn't dare.
i have to stay for my hamsters.
once they're gone, i might go too.
when you're gone - avril lavigne&hearts

i miss you

yeah Waffle.
at times like this i miss you so much, it feels like my heart's getting chopped up with an axe.
just yesterday
my dad put the medicine for the yeast infection on 1 of my other 2 surviving hamsters
and it smelt just like you.
sigh.

i always needed time on my own

everything that i do reminds me of you.
yes.
when i go and feed my hamsters i think of you, Waffle.
when i see that tube of medication i think of you.
when i smell the smell of the medicine
it smells of you
and your sweet-eucalyptus oil-hamster bedding smell.
i saved some shreds of cardboard from your tube.
the smell is gone but i still think of you.
i miss you.
i'm sorry i didn't take better care of you at all.
i didn't know.
i never suspected you were sick.
that day, when i finally brought you to the vet.
it was too late.
you died at home, at night.
and i wasn't with you.
i came in to check on you and you were cold, stiff and gone.
you were no more.
i touched you just those 2 times.
and i knew.
as soon as i felt the stiffness of your body.
the coldness of your skin.
and the way you looked so unnatural.
will i meet you in heaven?
i don't know.
i hope i do.
i love you so so so much
why did you have to go so soon?
and you didn't even go naturally.
you starved because i just didn't know,
i thought everything was fine and dandy but it wasn't at all.
i didn't know anything even when you stopped eating and drinking.
i am so so so so so so so so sorry i wasn't there for you
to comfort you through your last hours, minutes, seconds.
your last breath.
when your eyes closed for the final time.
when you left me forever.
i took only a few photos of you.
and i'm so sorry.

this post is in memory of my hamster, Waffle♥♥♥
18 April to 12 June 2010
i love you always. remember that. and i hope i meet you someday in heaven.

i walk an empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams

you broke my heart.
so now i'm going to break yours.
i'm ignoring you.
i'm not going to send you any more flowers.
that one was the last one ever.
and i bought it for you only because i had extra tickets.

let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

yes.
maybe you don't know how to apologise?
you don't know how much you hurt me.
now it serves you right.
you deserve it.
i could use more harsh words on you but i won't.
you're not worth it.
not worth my thoughts or mind or heart.
so i will stop talking about you,
yes you,
girl with the lame hair and high socks.

feel the rain on your skin (and this post is dedicated to dough♥)

i feel like running in the rain now
barefoot.
down the paths by my house (even though i'm in school and i'll probably cut my feet)
dough♥♥
i miss youuuu!
i really really do.
it cheers me up just reading your tags.

shoulda been strong but i lied

yeah maybe i did.
their group aren't exactly friends with me anymore.
sure, sometimes i join them for lunch like for RYC,
but...
you get the idea.
not-friends-but-just-hang out-for-the-sake-of-it.
i can't bring myself to admit it.
i have no one left to turn to.
except you.
i♥you.
you're the only one left.
you know who i'm talking to!
muacks
♥edible

breathe- taylor swift&hearts

i can't be without you

yes it's true.
i can't.
if you leave me too, i'll have no one left for me.
i'll be the loner.
the only not-loser-but-not-popular either person who's alone
even she joined a group already
eating with them
talking with them
maybe i'm just antisocial or something?
i don't know anymore.

oh and something random.
my thoughts on someone's blog post.
torres is not "hotstuff"
he's not hot.
PHILIPP LAHM♥♥♥
is the real hot stuff.

there's only lies, there's only fears

yes.
i just don't want the hard, cold truth at all
i'm afraid.
very afraid.
everyone will leave me to my own devices, everyone will abandon me
and just leave me to walk alone
all the time.
and if i died,
would anyone cry?
i wanna know.
if they really cared,
they would cry.
and most probably go to my funeral wake.
do hamsters cry?
i hope they are sad if i die before them.
hamsters are my life.
i love them so so so much
and no one ever understands at all.
they call my hamsters vermin.
how understanding is that!?