i always needed time on my own

everything that i do reminds me of you.
yes.
when i go and feed my hamsters i think of you, Waffle.
when i see that tube of medication i think of you.
when i smell the smell of the medicine
it smells of you
and your sweet-eucalyptus oil-hamster bedding smell.
i saved some shreds of cardboard from your tube.
the smell is gone but i still think of you.
i miss you.
i'm sorry i didn't take better care of you at all.
i didn't know.
i never suspected you were sick.
that day, when i finally brought you to the vet.
it was too late.
you died at home, at night.
and i wasn't with you.
i came in to check on you and you were cold, stiff and gone.
you were no more.
i touched you just those 2 times.
and i knew.
as soon as i felt the stiffness of your body.
the coldness of your skin.
and the way you looked so unnatural.
will i meet you in heaven?
i don't know.
i hope i do.
i love you so so so much
why did you have to go so soon?
and you didn't even go naturally.
you starved because i just didn't know,
i thought everything was fine and dandy but it wasn't at all.
i didn't know anything even when you stopped eating and drinking.
i am so so so so so so so so sorry i wasn't there for you
to comfort you through your last hours, minutes, seconds.
your last breath.
when your eyes closed for the final time.
when you left me forever.
i took only a few photos of you.
and i'm so sorry.

this post is in memory of my hamster, Waffle♥♥♥
18 April to 12 June 2010
i love you always. remember that. and i hope i meet you someday in heaven.