i like the way it hurts

whatever.
now that you've done it, i don't want to care anymore.
i'm not stupid.
i know why you were laughing.
stop being such a bi**h ok?
what did i do to you?
not like i ever hurt you.
i hate you.
and i wish i could throw it in your stupid face.
you suck.
if i had a gun i would shoot you dead.

yeah.
i fell into total love with hamsters
and now i can't pull myself out of it.
my family is getting sick of my sweetiepies.
sigh.
my top seven list of I WANTS.
guys, hamsters, everything.

1. PHILIPP LAHM♥♥♥♥♥.
2. NANI♥♥♥♥.
3. those gloriously gorgeous 4-inches from hush puppies♥. even though they'll murder my feet.
4. FLUORESCENT YELLOW AND BRIGHT RED AND BLACK NAIL POLISH. i don't care if it looks weird :D
5. a Nokia touchscreen phone (like dough's or lin dee's. dunno.)
6. a season pass to Old Trafford♥♥♥
7. ROBO♥. CHOCO WINTER WHITE♥. BLACK DOMINANT SPOT♥.

pics of them now.
1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.

i just burned down one more bridge connecting me to anyone.

yeah it is.
i hope she hasn't forgotten me.
we used to be super close,
we were almost superglued.
i miss her.
i still remember the secrets i told her and what she told me.
i wonder if she still remembers?

i fool everyone.

yeah i guess i'm like that.
i hide behind all that glossy veneer in class.
smiling. laughing.
but inside, i'm breaking apart into tiny little pieces.
some days i just feel like ending everything.
but then i carry on with life as per normal.
wash my hamsters' houses.
study for common tests
do devotions
but then i just feel so empty and stressed.
sometimes i just don't know what's happening anymore.
like for homework.
i feel like screaming.
i don't know anymore.
they probably hate me deep down in their hearts
but they still say hi and bye to me.
i never fall apart in front of my parents,
so i keep it out in the open
by using my blog.
at least at home and in geebee,
i feel loved and wanted.
i♥you dough and isabel!
i think you're my only true friends.
but then again i'm not sure ):
GOD! save me please.

cracked egg

God?
i'm really broken now.
can you please zip me back up like that egg?
thanks(:
♥me, rachel

my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

it's so easy to just end it all.
the pain, the lies.
the loneliness.
the hurt when you know someone's talking bad about you and you're right next to her.
the feeling that you're stupid.
the stress.
the regret when you realise that you could have changed things if you'd figured it out earlier.
the feeling when you know that you could have prevented that precious, precious hamster from dying.
you can just reach for that knife lying on the kitchen counter.
you can just take the lift to the top floor of your apartment block and climb over the railing.
you can just walk to the edge of the breakwater on a beach and stare into the murky depths of the ocean.
you can just go to the MRT platform and look down at those metal tracks and step off when the train's pulling in.
it would be so easy,
but i wouldn't dare.
i have to stay for my hamsters.
once they're gone, i might go too.
when you're gone - avril lavigne&hearts

i miss you

yeah Waffle.
at times like this i miss you so much, it feels like my heart's getting chopped up with an axe.
just yesterday
my dad put the medicine for the yeast infection on 1 of my other 2 surviving hamsters
and it smelt just like you.
sigh.

i always needed time on my own

everything that i do reminds me of you.
yes.
when i go and feed my hamsters i think of you, Waffle.
when i see that tube of medication i think of you.
when i smell the smell of the medicine
it smells of you
and your sweet-eucalyptus oil-hamster bedding smell.
i saved some shreds of cardboard from your tube.
the smell is gone but i still think of you.
i miss you.
i'm sorry i didn't take better care of you at all.
i didn't know.
i never suspected you were sick.
that day, when i finally brought you to the vet.
it was too late.
you died at home, at night.
and i wasn't with you.
i came in to check on you and you were cold, stiff and gone.
you were no more.
i touched you just those 2 times.
and i knew.
as soon as i felt the stiffness of your body.
the coldness of your skin.
and the way you looked so unnatural.
will i meet you in heaven?
i don't know.
i hope i do.
i love you so so so much
why did you have to go so soon?
and you didn't even go naturally.
you starved because i just didn't know,
i thought everything was fine and dandy but it wasn't at all.
i didn't know anything even when you stopped eating and drinking.
i am so so so so so so so so sorry i wasn't there for you
to comfort you through your last hours, minutes, seconds.
your last breath.
when your eyes closed for the final time.
when you left me forever.
i took only a few photos of you.
and i'm so sorry.

this post is in memory of my hamster, Waffle♥♥♥
18 April to 12 June 2010
i love you always. remember that. and i hope i meet you someday in heaven.

i walk an empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams

you broke my heart.
so now i'm going to break yours.
i'm ignoring you.
i'm not going to send you any more flowers.
that one was the last one ever.
and i bought it for you only because i had extra tickets.

let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

yes.
maybe you don't know how to apologise?
you don't know how much you hurt me.
now it serves you right.
you deserve it.
i could use more harsh words on you but i won't.
you're not worth it.
not worth my thoughts or mind or heart.
so i will stop talking about you,
yes you,
girl with the lame hair and high socks.

feel the rain on your skin (and this post is dedicated to dough♥)

i feel like running in the rain now
barefoot.
down the paths by my house (even though i'm in school and i'll probably cut my feet)
dough♥♥
i miss youuuu!
i really really do.
it cheers me up just reading your tags.

shoulda been strong but i lied

yeah maybe i did.
their group aren't exactly friends with me anymore.
sure, sometimes i join them for lunch like for RYC,
but...
you get the idea.
not-friends-but-just-hang out-for-the-sake-of-it.
i can't bring myself to admit it.
i have no one left to turn to.
except you.
i♥you.
you're the only one left.
you know who i'm talking to!
muacks
♥edible

breathe- taylor swift&hearts

i can't be without you

yes it's true.
i can't.
if you leave me too, i'll have no one left for me.
i'll be the loner.
the only not-loser-but-not-popular either person who's alone
even she joined a group already
eating with them
talking with them
maybe i'm just antisocial or something?
i don't know anymore.

oh and something random.
my thoughts on someone's blog post.
torres is not "hotstuff"
he's not hot.
PHILIPP LAHM♥♥♥
is the real hot stuff.

there's only lies, there's only fears

yes.
i just don't want the hard, cold truth at all
i'm afraid.
very afraid.
everyone will leave me to my own devices, everyone will abandon me
and just leave me to walk alone
all the time.
and if i died,
would anyone cry?
i wanna know.
if they really cared,
they would cry.
and most probably go to my funeral wake.
do hamsters cry?
i hope they are sad if i die before them.
hamsters are my life.
i love them so so so much
and no one ever understands at all.
they call my hamsters vermin.
how understanding is that!?

you were in your own fantasy world

yes you were.
where were you when i needed you?
no one left now.
only me, my hamsters and my 2 geebee close friends -.-
i still talk to you.
we were so close...
but now we don't share our secrets anymore.
i knew almost every little aspect of your life.
but then you disappeared.
and all my secrets went with you.
do you even remember?
you were my BFF
even if i wasn't to you.
i still have that birthday card and the earrings you gave me,
all the letters and notes you wrote to me.
i miss you.
come back soon?

so glad my heart's elastic

well, that way my heart won't snap even if you like, stretch it like crap.
blahblahblah
you don't need to stretch me anymore, i'm already broken and split.

this is my heart, it's not a toy

don't pretend like you know me so well at all.
you just dumped me like a piece of trash.
like i was invisible, and i had no feelings at all.
you pretended i wasn't there at all and i was sitting just across from you.
i suppose you'd rather have A_____ instead.
forget it if you don't want me.
anyway
i left you so long ago
i don't expect anything anymore.

dollhouse and homecoming

dollhouse
homecoming

i tried to be your picture-perfect girl

yeah. whatever.
you can go and adopt some orphan who wants a home.
a family.
if you don't want me.
why should i?
it wasn't even me who used the thing in the first place.
maybe you wanted me to electrocute myself.
bzzz.
sorry if this is offensive but...
yeah i get so whatevered sometimes.

i gave up on us so long ago

well. yeah.
you don't want me, i don't want you and your new groupies.
whatever.
if you thought i'd stick around forever,
well.
you were wrong.
we were never really friends.
we just went around together.
FORGET IT.

the riffs of my guitar

guitar?
i don't have a guitar.

where the city sleeps

last night i fell asleep
and forgot to charge my phone D:
its only a quarter bar left
and its gonna die on me like everything else.
my friendships.
my classmates.

border line of the edge

my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating.
totally emo thing.
check my vital signs to know i'm still alive.
probably no one would know or care if my heart tore into itsy-bitsy pieces
and the pieces were thrown to the wind.
or into the sea.
weighted down with iron and lead.
for the animals to feed on.
swallow me up.
i'm no more.
AND NO ONE WOULD CRY ONE TEAR.

read between the lines

can't you see they're the only things left for me?
they're my best friends.
they know when i cry
and they worry.
gosh.
my parents are so weird.
they want to throw my hamsters away because i call them "darling"
what is the problem!?
crazy.

i walk alone

I walk this empty street
on the boulevard of broken dreams
where the city sleeps
and i'm the only one and i walk alone
yeah sometimes i feel so alone
like i'm an empty shell with no feelings.
no one cares anymore.
i might as well be a ghost for all they know.

keep holding on

clinging to straws to pass geog.
49.63
my only hope is the MCQ quiz on thursday.
that's why i need to keep holding on...

it's my little game

phew.
exams finally over.
i am getting gastric/cramps all the time now D:
ouch.
i need. and i want. an AK-47.
first couple of bullets for the club that won the EPL 2009-2010
and then 3 for my hamster babies.
and 1 for myself.
*bang* and it's all over.
warm red mist
spraying over everything.
and when my family comes in
i'm simply a body
gone forever.

hey so sister

e math today sucked D:
didn't know how to do the pico question ):
i had only 1 question left for the geo
when the teacher said put down your pens D:
gosh i feel like dying ):
all the tests so far (3) sucked D:
my friends are all taoing me ):
i SMSed someone yesterday.
and i got no reply.
my friend abandoned me on the bus D:
sigh.
so sad.
and a teacher took over our free period from PE today :x
noooooo.

on paper we're a disaster

i'm a total disaster.
today there were 2 tests.
i practically screwed both.
yeah like really bad.
i think my SS essay was too short!
i put it in funny paragraphs to make it look longer.
well i guess geog was ok(:
i drew the same diagrams as Clara.
omg poor Kim.
she drew meanders instead of floodplains.
i didn't manage to finish my LORMS. -.-
dykes.
levees.
gabions.
revetments.
geog terms.
bleah. D:

shut up and kiss me

random lyrics from a random song!
i heard it on the radio yesterday.
oh i love orianthi.
she's so cool! :D
i wanna learn how to play the guitar.
the guitar thing in 21 guns is cool.

all this time you were pretending

welcome to the beautifully emo side of me.
this is where i write all my emo feelings with emo headings.
just in case you were wondering, i have 3 blogs.
one is this blog
another one is my cheery side
click here♥
ladeeedadeeeeda.
not as emo as usual today.
my dark side.